The Female Psyche

Women, unlike men, are able to understand the subtelties of other women's minds. Or so I thought. It turns out, in fact, that men may have better understanding of a certain aspect of feminity than women do. Recently, I spent the good part of an hour arguing with a close male high school friend and my husband, both of whom were of the position that women in general, even those who may be good friends or close relatives, are naturally envious of each other, and try to put each other down, directy or subtly, to compensate. They contrasted this to male friendships where apparently men follow an honor code of not interfering in each other lives in a negative manner. As you can imagine, I was pretty incensed by this gross generalization, and proceeded to give various examples of how this was just a stereotype and not true of my own experiences with girlfriends and so on.

However, in the last few days, I have come to see the other side of the story, and of the reality behind the stereotype. I feel now that not only are most women affected by the envy gene, but also that they lack complete insight into this fact. Women, who are known to have vastly more sensitive emotional radars than men, seem unable to pinpoint the emotional impetus behind their own social behavior. They, more often than not, are unable to recognize the fundamental insecurities that drive them to make that snide comment behind a female friend or relative's back. Or the frustrations with the relationships in their lives that inadvertently put them in a competetive mode with one of their own kind. With all the talk of girl power and the solidarity that women express with each other nowadays, the old stereotype about female interactions should have worn thin by now. And yet, the very human emotions that gave rise to the stereotype continue to hold true, even if to a lesser extent than in previous generations.

Now anyone who knows me is aware of my strong feminist streak and my sincere belief in the capabilties of all women. So, instead of just accepting this contradiction in women as some inherently programmed behavior, like the men in my life did, I decided to try to explore how this pattern of behavior comes about. One theme that was quickly apparent was that the women who are consumed by envy to the exclusion of their better intentions tend to be the ones who feel the most unhappy and helpless in their marriages, role as mothers or life in general. Women often give more, and emotionally invest more in relationships than men do. So logically following, they expect more returns on this investment in terms of the importance they are given, and the happiness they deserve. When this expectation is not met, they have two choices, to stop and seek other options, or to stay and swallow their misery.

Now here, I speak of a certain class of women- the ones that I have the most familiarity with- the Indian women in my mother's and my own generation. However, I feel that with a difference of only degree, this analysis is equally applicable to other women in the U.S. and the worldover as well. What most women that I know have done, due to either the way they were brought up or societal pressures, is stay in relationships that are far short of the ideal that they seek. They have spent lifetimes with men they have nothing in common with, and in-laws who have done nothing but create trouble for them. And in the large majority of cases, they have made this compromise quietly.

Now here is the thing, the female psyche is anything but quiet. At any given moment, there is a whirlwind of emotions, thoughts and rationales going on in the female brain. When people joke about how women feel happy and sad and several grades in between at the same time, they forget that it is actually true. Women, unlike men, are verbal beings and seek expression of their innermost feelings- their joy and their pain. However, they may not always be in control of how and when this expression comes about. The longer the pain goes unexpressed, the more warped the final venting of it will be. Take for instance, a woman who is financially dependent on her husband whom she never loved. She becomes friends with a woman she admires, the one who is self-sufficient in her career and is supported by her spouse. One would wish the first woman we mentioned would be happy for and inspired by her friend. But as we all know, misery loves company. So the woman instead uses her knowledge of the quirks in her friend's relationship to subtly create misunderstandings . So when witnessing the inevitable fight, she can console herself by saying "ah, see, even her life is not perfect!"

Don't take me wrong, I believe that there are plenty of women who are sources of support and inspiration for other women in their lives. Just as there are men who play mind games and exhibit behavior that can only be classified as "catty." Yet, being subtly or overtly oppressed by someone of your own gender has far more irony and disappointment ascribed to it. Afterall, you expect to cry on your girlfriends' shoulders when the men in your life treat you wrong, and not the other way around. You also expect those who have undergone the same trials and tribulations that accompany womanhood to show more empathy towards each other.

So what is it that causes women, of the same age group or from different generations, to replace the obvious solidarity between them with venomous insecurity and envious backstabbing? Again, I find myself pointing to the utter helplessness such women feel in their lives. Unable to find appropriate outlets for their frustrations, they vent by indulging in silly mind games. The long-term answer to this dilemma lies in raising a generation of women who are self-sufficient, not just economically but also emotionally. Women who have a myriad of options, and are not afraid to exercise them. Women who are not only raised to believe in themselves, but are also given every opportunity to fully realize their self-potential. My hope is that at least my generation will be able to raise daughters who can overcome these stereotypes. Until that happens, I wish women would lessen the self-loathing that they project on other women in their circle of influence. Afterall, what goes around comes around.